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drinks Monday 3 November 08
INTERVIEW: ALEX HORNE
Alex Horne is a polymath: comedian, actor, loving husband. And as if that wasn’t enough, he’s about to try and break a world record. Mike Toller manages to pin him down for twenty minutes. Alex Horne manages to slip in the occasional word.
by Mike Toller
Hi Alex
Ah. Hello there, Mike.
You performed your show When In Rome at Edinburgh 2005. It would be rude of me not to ask how it all went. So, how did it all go?
Don't worry about being rude. I sometimes think I worry about being rude too much and then I worry about worrying too much. That obviously creates yet more worry – it's a slippery slope.
Edinburgh was fun though, and I really do appreciate you asking. I performed the show several times and each time people came along and watched so it was definitely worth going to Scotland to do it. If no one had come at all or even if only very few people had come I would probably now be questioning whether it was worth it. As it is I can safely say it was definitely worth doing it. In Scotland.
I'm glad you're not offended by my heavy-handed questioning. If you had taken a dislike to me this early on then the interview would probably have turned out to be a bloody disaster. It’s good to hear the show went well, and that people came to see it.
What I want to know is whether there were any unanticipated moments up there in Scotland. Did anything untoward happen at any point?
Did anything untoward happen in Edinburgh? I think I know what you're going at. Did anything BAD happen in Edinburgh?! Yes! I'll keep this short but essentially it was that our flat was full of rats! I saw eight rats in the first week – more than one a day! – four in the next and two in the third. How many do you think I saw in the last week? That's right, two again. But a different two. These two were black rats – the other 14 were all brown rats. I saw loads of rats in Edinburgh.
That's terrible. Rats disgust me. Of all the animals, I think rats are the ones I least like encountering, so I'm sorry you met so many. But I didn't just mean bad things. In my experience, unexpected things can often be good, like a neighbour coming round with some flapjacks, or helping to deliver a baby in a lift, or not having to pay for dinner in restaurants.
What I was really getting at was whether there were any positive experiences. Did anything happen up there in Scotland that made you say 'Ha! That's a good thing. I'm glad that that happened to me, and not someone else.'?
Well, there was this one thing that happened on the night of my very last performance that I shall probably not forget for a good long time. It was late at night and early in the morning and I was walking with some friends and colleagues across the North Bridge when I found a box of flyers. I don't know whose show they were advertising but it seemed to represent the end of the festival and all the people who did and didn't come to our shows. It represented the hopes and dreams of all performers and the waste and greed of all those that promote them.
Without thinking I gathered up the box in my arms and ceremoniously released it over the railings into the night below. The flyers should have fluttered away like doves from the Vatican, or a snowstorm in a shaker, and all our cares would have been set free with them. Unfortunately, as I mentioned, I did all this without thinking, the box failed to open sufficiently, and it simply fell with a thud onto yet more rubbish below. I had littered, I had acted drunkenly, and the police had seen it all. They told me off, made me feel small and I went home to bed. But I'm really glad that all happened.
So what did you do then? I suppose you just got on with things, and came back to London?
Yes, I came back to London almost immediately and got started on a new project.
Great. It's always good to move on quickly. Do you mind me asking what it is you're doing now?
Not at all. It's a project I've been researching for a while now and I'm hoping to get it off the ground early next year. Essentially, I'm attempting a submarinal dive – a record-breaking submarinal dive. My family has always been nautical and I spent most of my childhood on the sea, but I'm hoping to spend most of 2006 under the sea. It's a bit like the thing that David Blaine did, except you won't be able to see me. I'm going to spend a year in a submarine!
What a brilliant idea. Quite a departure from comedy, but still treading the line between derring-do and unfettered genius. Do you have a submarine yet?
Do I have a submarine? Of course! These things take a lot of planning – you can't just dive down into the ocean willy-nilly. I got my sub in the middle of August. I'm ready!
I imagine you’re right. It would be irresponsible to go haring around under the sea in any old bucket. What's she like, your sub?
She's a glorious vehicle. Slim, fast – she's called Slimfast – and she’s the same shape as an arrow, so I can easily tell where I’m going. If you can imagine a slim, fast, metallic arrow with me in it, that's what she looks like. And she's the size of a taxi – she was made from a taxi.
She sounds just the ticket. A real beauty. Will you have a crew, or are you planning a solo attempt?
Well, at the moment I'm planning to go down on the first day solo. But I expect after a week or two I'll bring people down with me otherwise I'll get very lonely. It could get very lonely down there for two hours at a time. The record attempt is to spend two hours a day in the submarine 50 times in one year, so just under once a week. It's never been done before.
I see. I think it makes a lot of sense to do it that way. Setting world records is very worthy and good for mankind, but there's no point in risking your happiness doing it.
If you fancy coming along one week it could be fun. We can bring a movie with us and sit and watch it and then come back up again. Do you like films? I like films. I like Cinderella Man.
Yes, I do like to see a film once in a while, so I'd love to join you. Would I need to bring any special equipment, like a hat, or a torch?
Ah, yes. You'd need to bring a video and a TV and a torch and a power supply and a blanket as I guess it'll be freezing. I've got one of those pocket warmers that act like a tiny fire in your pocket, but they're quite pricey so I've only got one. If you want to just come round and watch a video that might be easier.
On reflection, I think it might be best to just watch a film at yours. I don't like being cold, and there's nothing worse than fogging up a screen with your breath, because you end up missing crucial bits of the action, which tends to ruin the experience.
It sounds like there are a lot of technological considerations involved in a sub-aquatic venture like yours. Forgive my ignorance, but my knowledge of machines really only extends to land based contraptions like bicycles and whisks. Could you tell me a little more about the mechanics of a dive? How do you control the Slimfast? How do submarines work? And isn't it all extremely dangerous?
If you can imagine driving a car down a road, but the road is more like a slope than a road, and at the bottom of that slopey road, instead of a car park, there's an ocean and you now have to park in that watery multi-storey, that's a little bit like aqua-diving. You've got all the normal things like brakes and gears and seatbelts and headrests, but you don't need to clean the windows, you shouldn't open the sunroof and it's good to keep extra air in the glove compartment.
As for how it works, how does anything work? How do lamps work? How do banks work? No one really knows – THEY JUST DO. And the danger - well, isn't everything dangerous? Come on, be brave, take a risk, enjoy life. You might be knocked down by a reversing sub tomorrow!
I suppose you're right Alex. I find your positive tone very inspirational. Were you inspired by anyone to undertake this exceptional record attempt, or is your enthusiasm an inherited trait? Does your family have a history of dare-devilry?
Ouch! A nail has just been hit on its head! My family has a long and terrifying history of being daring, and yes, I'm sure that’s connected to my undertaking this project. Two of my uncles – they’re twins – spent two years on the 'Every Other Month Project', where they would take turns pretending to be one of them while the other hid. My parents often go snorkeling in the North Sea, and my great-grandfather spent eight years not looking up. Inspirational stuff.
Quite a family. What do they think of your sub-surface shenanigans?
Well, not all of them know yet. Actually, none of them know yet. It's a sort of a surprise in that I'm not telling them about it yet, and then during it I don't think I'll tell them either, and then afterwards I'm going to keep it a secret too, so that when they do find out in a good few years’ time it'll be One Big Surprise!
Very wise. That way it'll be nicer for them when they do finally find out. I was wondering though, won't they notice you're gone when you're under the waves? And what about your wife? Won't she realise that something is up? Especially as you'll probably be wetter than normal.
Ah, the thorny issue of whether or not I should tell my wife that I'm trying to set a new submarine world record. Well, in all likelihood, yes, she will find out, and yes, I will be damper than usual. But that's what marriage is all about! Excitement! Water! Development! Fun!
Perhaps you could make it up to her with a romantic underwater dinner?
Maybe. Fish and something. Fish soup? Or just a takeaway? Nice bottle of wine. You're very welcome to come of course – we could watch a video one night, and then you could join my wife and I the next. You're always welcome. You could join me on the record attempt if you like. I'm not lonely but I could do with the company. I could really do with someone there just to talk to every now and again. Just somebody. Anybody.
OK Alex. Fish would be great. If you have a grill we could make fish-finger sandwiches. They're great as a snack or a meal. Do you prefer ketchup or mayonnaise?
Ah, I hope this means we're going to do some of those 'Either Or Questions'. Kylie or Danni? etc. I definitely prefer mayonnaise and Kylie. She's so brave.
Right, now you see I'd always pick her sister, Danni. Did you know she's a qualified hypnotherapist, and once flew solo across the Great Australian Desert upside-down? Her plane had wheels on the roof, so she wasn't even the right way up during take-off or landing. What a woman! A modern hero.
Moving on though, I think we should take it in turns to ask ‘Either Or Questions’. Which means you have to ask me.
Yes of course. So, Mike, would you prefer to have a tail or a ring of very dense hair around one of your fingers?
I think I'd take the tail. I'm quite a bad dancer, and I'm sure it would improve my balance no end. Plus, if it was controllable, I could use it to tickle people without using my hands. Right, your turn. If you had to lose either your sense of sight or hearing, which would it be?
The perfect dinner party question! I would lose hearing as I LOVE LOVE LOVE 'Google' and 'googling' and that is very, very visual. Would you prefer to be given an egg or a sock?
A sock, every time. You can only eat an egg once, but a sock can be worn again and again.
OK, which mythical creature would you most like to spend an afternoon with, Unicorn or invisible mouse?
Mmm. Unicorn, invisible mouse, an afternoon. To be honest, I hate bloody horses. I got knocked over by one once and hurt my shin. I've never really trusted them since. Once, in France, I had to go pony-trekking while still recovering from food poisoning. Horrible. And yes, Unicorns have got a horn on their head, but even that novelty would wear pretty thin fairly quickly. Can it talk? Is it a talking Unicorn? If not it's definitely the mouse. Especially because in Edinburgh I saw those mice in the flat and I didn't tell anyone because I thought they might get annoyed but I didn't mind at all, I was just quite pleased to see a mouse.
I thought that was rats you saw?
Mmm, yes, right. I mean rats, mice, they're all the same aren't they?
They're very similar, but still a bit different. Like very young humans and very old humans: they both dribble and make moaning noises, and can't walk very well, but they're still not the same.
Anyway, it's getting on a bit, and I've got to go and see my Mum fairly soon. Before we stop all this question and answer business, do you have any wise words you'd like to leave us with?
No, I don't. But I will say that this has been one of most rewarding experiences of my life. And I mean that quite seriously. I have never been paid so well for anything so fun every before. So thank you.
My pleasure Alex. I'm glad you've enjoyed it. I've liked chatting to you a lot, and I've learned some very interesting new facts. I'm free a week on Tuesday, so maybe we could have our fish supper then?
That should be fine. See you on the Slimfast.
END
(c) Mike Toller 14 January 06.
Mike Toller interviewed Alex Horne in October 05. Mike Toller is one half of Leonard & Cliff in Feeling Gloomy, and a former croquet partner of Alex Horne.
Fringe Report (c) Fringe Report 2002-2008
