How Fatima Bajwa took 'Who U Callin A Pig?' to the 2006 Edinburgh Fringe

In the summer of 2004, I finished the first year of a law degree in London. I was bored. It wasn’t the challenge I had expected. It was too left-wing - the syllabus and the tutors. Also, I’d got a reputation as a bit of a reactionary - and a bitch.

My footballer mate Sam came back from the US to play for Camberly Town FC (writes Fatima Bajwa). He liked the live comedy scene, and I spent the summer at the Comedy Store and Jongleurs. Sam knew I was writing a script for television, and said I should adapt it for a live comedy audience.

BIRTH OF A FAGHAG

I put an ad in The Stage, RADA and the Actors Centre. I did readings at the Uni - they went well. A performance should, by definition, be better. I chose two actresses to play PC Faghag, a bent policewoman. Contracts were signed and rehearsal dates finalised.

It was now 3 weeks before the presentation of the show in November at the Prince Charles Cinema in Leicester Place. The venue manager said they had a 20,000 mailing list, and the poster would be near Leicester Square. It seemed like marketing made easy – until he said 'Are you sure you can fill over 400 seats?'. I told him I thought the poster was good. Hmm, why would he say that? The Prince Charles is a hip venue, always crowded. I paid the deposit for the 2-hour hire.

THE N-WORD

The final reading was at a Writers Guild variety night. I had a bit of a drink before it was my turn to read. I didn’t know there would be a mike, and my voice sounded uneven. I’d forgotten two lines, then I lost the audience as soon as I said the N-word. It took me 5 minutes to get them back - the longest 5 minutes of my life. Why did they gasp? It was in context in the character's story. The Afro-Carribean Law Society members of my uni got the context. Or did I lose the context when I forgot the two lines?

I'd had the flyers printed late. The understudy decided to leave, because she wanted to be the performer. I decided to go ahead, hoping the performer wouldn’t get ill in the next three weeks.

SOBBING ACTRESS

On the day we started rehearsals, the actress told me her agent wanted to know if there would be a run after the presentation, that I could organise. She needed to know this before she started rehearsals. I told her rehearsals had started, and the questions should have been asked before the contract was signed. I angrily texted her that the show was cancelled. The flyers had not been distributed – phew - but I lost my deposit.

The actress rang me all day, leaving tearful voice-messages. She said she'd been taught to haggle that way at acting school. She said that her agent was getting on her nerves too. And she'd told all her acting mates she'd be performing a one woman show.

DE-BITCHING

Even a few of my friends thought I was a bit harsh. But I'd lost motivation. Was I a naive law student with no knowledge of the industry? I decided to take Buddhist meditation classes to make me less of a bitch.

2005 ambled along, and in the summer I decided to give the script to Hampstead Theatre and Soho Theatre.

Within three months, Soho Theatre gave it a glowing Writers Report, but felt it was 'more suited to the Edinburgh fringe or a comedy venue.'

Hmm. By now, I knew enough about comedy to know that it ranged from safe / bland to un-PC at places like the Comedy Store. The un-PC people often swore a lot and used words that could be seen as derogatory to women and gays and a few other groups - except racial groups. Political comedy tended to mean anti-Bush & Blairjokes.

GREEN LIGHT

February 2006. I’m in Edinburgh at the Fringe Office, with Press & Marketing Officer Leroy Harris. He encourages me to put the play on. I audition lots of girls and drag-queens until I settle on actresses Maria Cassidy and Michelle Forde.

It’s March 06 and I give the script to Sweet, C venues and Underbelly – it’s a bit late for Assembly and Pleasance. Sweet and C say yes quickly. Jim from Sweet thinks the script on its own is good enough for Sweet, and that the poster is strong. I see some Edinburgh previews with the girls in London - this gives them more confidence. Not only do they have a strong script, but now they realise they have better stage presence.

OI – YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO BE SINGING

Maybe more comedians should let others perform their work (I have the stage presence of George Bush). I’m hoping to get us open spots on the comedy circuit, but they've been filled up months ago. So dodgy local pubs with areas for karoake are what’s left. Instead of singing, an impromptu performance - or a simple reading from me if the actresses aren’t there. Great audience feedback except those places where we are pulled off stage by managers: 'Oi, you're supposed to be singing'.

PARTY PARTY

14 July 06. It’s the Fringe warm-up party at Hospital in Covent Garden. I meet the rest of the Sweet lot - Maria, Sylke, Ian. Sweet’s guvnor Julian Caddy and I talk about whether 'Who U Callin A Pig?' is a comedy play or a comedy. We agree there is some blurring of the definition, as a lot of comedians tell a story rather than one gag after another. There isn’t much networking at the party – folk tend to be in their own groups. Jane from the Fringe Office says hello and asks the name of my show – I tell her. She says ‘Oh, you're the one'.

I spend all night wondering what Jane means. Have they been talking about me in the office? I did tend to ring every five minutes during the first couple of weeks after I filled in the programme copy form. Or maybe it was something positive.

JULIAN BUYS A DRINK

17 July 06. It’s the Three Weeks party at Luminaire, Kilburn. The drinks are cheaper at this party. Michelle Forde comes, so do the Sweet lot. Julian Caddy buys us drinks. Maria from Sweet is very encouraging - I think I can realistically expect 2 reviewers at this stage. The performers give me confidence too.

So that just leaves the marketing. Will that be the biggest challenge? Sylke from Sweet's Box Office says she prefers the back of the flyer. The acts put on range from the good to the dire - Michelle thinks the Three Weeks compere is funnier.

SEVEN IN THE MORNING AT EDINBURGH BUS STATION

Friday, 21 July 06 - 7am. The coach arrives at Edinburgh bus station. I head off to Easter Road – a friend of a friend’s flat. I’m here for a month. The day goes putting posters in the butcher’s and cafés etc. We’re offered an ad in The Scotsman on a 2 for 1 coupon promotion. Great – my picture will be in The Scotsman free - well, might lose ticket money on the night. I tell Sylke to get one of the dates near the start of the run, but it’s too late – they’ve already been taken. I get 12 August, near the end of my run. That's another problem – there’s no internet access at the flat, so I have to go library. The best dates went within an hour of The Scotsman offer being emailed.

Next day I go to Jongleurs to see how many of our flyers have been picked up. The receptionist says that the back of flyer - a bright pig with a juicy nose – is more eye-catching. She’d put half on the reception with the pig side up, and more folk picked them up. Sylke was right. I go to gay Broughton Street and put up flyers, half with the pig side up.

MARIA PUTS ON HER UNIFORM

Back at the flat at lunchtime, there’s a sea of green and white coming out of the pub underneath. I ask the very friendly looking Hibs fans if they'd like a flyer. Maria Cassidy comes downstairs in her police gear and does a bit of the script – it’s difficult for newcomers to get proper gigs. They all look bemused, but we get laughs. I’m not sure if it’s for the show excerpts or the performer.

Sunday, 23 July. I’m writing this while putting finishing touches to the girls’ outfits. Most comedians wear casual, so Maria is only slightly dominatrix. So far we’ve sold 2 tickets - apparently most people buy nearer the time. It’s going to be a long week.

Things to do on Monday morning:

• Ask the Fringe Office if our flyerer can carry a placard with a poster up and down the Royal Mile – posters get covered by other ones quickly
• Buy outfits for flyerers
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