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It's Alright For Some Xmas Party 2003

It's been a freezing December day. There are blue tits in Golden Square, but it's warmer round the corner in the Glass House Stores, and Zena Barrie's expecting breast-fondling ...

It's early evening, ahead of a long night - the It's Alright For Some Christmas party. We're down in the vaults of Brewer Street's The Glass House Stores boozer (writes John Park), past venue for Linda Trayers's comedy club.

Appropriately enough, here's ace stand-up and actor Tom Price (John Cleese in Adrian Poynton's A Very Naughty Boy directed Ed 03 by Toni Arthur-Hay); designer Chris Limb (CatsMachine) who's just done the website for legendary rock journalist Mick Mercer; fabulous sketch trio Jeremy Limb, Paul Litchfield, Dan Mersh aka The Trap, creators of the ultimate actors' parody Bad Play.

Zena & Michelle


Here's co-host Zena Barrie, sultry Mancunian sex-siren, drop-dead gorgeous, and revealing in ultra-skimpy black & silk dress splashed recklessly with turquoise. Zena's sporting black tea-cosy-styled hair - its been cruelly likened by her friends to Myra Hindley's - in fact, like Zena, it's pretty, elegant and stylish.

Co-host Michelle Flower is flagrantly lovely in black skirt and vampish strapless silk top, plus sado-masochism-studded black stillettos. She's improved on fellow sex-goddess Nigella Lawson's recipe for mince tarts - Michelle's are both delicious (Tom Price sits near them and eats for Wales) and unique in incorporating skulls and ghosts in their design. As the evening progresses, gorgeous pouting babe Michelle consistently disproves the old adage about girls who wear glasses.

Lavatory performer


Here's comedy writer and director Richard Hurst; TV insider Piers Torday; Brian Mitchell (Cheeky Guide) (Mitchell & Mounfield). Here's ultra-handsome character comic Ben Willbond, quiet and charming as ever - in contrast to his riotous alter-ego, merchant banker Ed 'Freddy' Wellesley-Smith (Comedy A JoJo, Ealing Live); C Venues Head of Press, and Press at the London Film Festival Sheridan Humphries; doyen of London theatre and comedy PR, urbane and charismatic Paul Sullivan; conversational comedian and lavatory performer Chris Neill, whose Chris Neill Does It With Strangers stimulated visitors to the men's room at Dome 5 Ed 02.

Karaoke and trainspotting


Petite, pretty and just all-round adorable Joanna Neary is here; Joanna memorably sang the Karaoke Song for Take It And Shove It at Ed 03 - she stole the show at the Underbelly's press launch. Here's bubbly casting director Julie Harkin; film maker Andrew Bloom's new film shoots in London spring 04 - it's cast by international TV and film agent Polly Andrews (Shane Collins). Here's James Rawlings (The Consultants); Sam Spedding (The Hollow Men); pretty Genevan Nadja Fassler & lovely Aussie Amy Nicholls (Press at the London Film Festival). And wonderful Matthew Perret - he's Vivian Stanshall in Gonzo Dog, and Peter Cook to Jeremy Limb's Dudley Moore in Play Wisty For Me, Mathew's an expert on trainspotting - real trains, rather than taking drugs on Edinburgh's Leith Road - though not, he claims, to the extent of writing down their numbers.

Underbelly & fondling


Here's divine, essential and coming stand-up Ava Vidal, stunningly elegant; Steve Bennett, laid back and debonaire editor of the UK's premier comedy resource Chortle; sparkling Emma Goodway who's, er, handled both Arnold Widdowson and Ben Willbond in her capacity as expert stage manager; stage manager, aimiable Colm Reilly; the delightful Gareth Tunley - stand-up, co-member with Phil Brodie of The Legendary Polowski - Fringe Report Awards 03 - Best Cop Spoof; Rupert Russell (The Hollow Men - new show coming up in January 04). Charming Charlie Wood runs The Underbelly. For Edinburgh 04, he's opening 2 new venues - a new space seating 50 for young comics starting up, and a big one seating 400. This year's emphasis at The Underbelly will be comedy - and music, an area, Charlie points out, often under-represented at Edinburgh.

Here's the bubbly and lovely Caroline Espenhahn, animator, and Margaret Cabourn-Smith - together they're The Upsettables (Ed 03 Pleasance Dome); The Flirt Lab director Hannah Mackay; Alex Macqueen - John Holmes - (Gonch in Grange Hill); Alys Torrance & Judith Faultless (The Flirt Lab & Sweethearts 'n' Bodyparts); Dan Tetsell & Danny Robins aka Edwin Griffiths and Maurice Smythe in Live Ghost Hunt; Neil Edmond (The Consultants) - Neil's 33rd birthday was yesterday. Zena Barrie reports at this point that naughty Charlie Hartill tries to feel legendary beauty and former The Pleasance press officer Penny Sims's breasts - who can blame him? She stops this, and the poor boy's now started smoking again (orally).

Cake as social glue


Isabel Fay and Victoria Valenzuela are writing Girl Thoughts, a new show inviting men into the depraved inner workings of the female soul. Rivalling Michelle Flower's skills with tarts, gorgeous Isabel Fay has made lemon-curd angel butterfly cakes. They're delicious, made very approximately to Delia, though Delia's don't stick (like super-glue) to their fairy cases. Isabel's cakes have glued the fingers of everyone in the room together, her invention of the Araldite Patisserie applied to surgery could save future lives. Isabel writes the column The Life And Times of Really Rather A Good Actress - one who recently sorely embarrassed her long-suffering Isabel's Dad by stripping (totally) while playing the lead in Oscar Wilde's Salome (though without giving head to John The Baptist). Tonight she's subtly demure yet outrageously beautiful in 50s hand-bag dress, silver tap shoes, with butterfly hair-slide and spangly necklace.

Blasphemous


Here's gorgeous blonde bombshell Genny Swallow - her astonishing performance in Ed 03's Dulcas's Women gained Genevieve a Best Actress nomination. Currently she's the Wicked Stepmother in Jacksons Lane Theatre's Cinderella, making the fathers' hearts race. Fringe Report has promised Genny never to make cheap fellatio jokes about her surname and doesn't intend to start now, so we won't say be sure to get down there before she finishes 4 Jan 04, but definitely do pay a visit. Genevieve's acting the panto with adorable Tara Hendry who raised more than expectations with her stunning and super-sexy Wonderwoman in Edinburgh 03's The Life And Times Of A Wonderwoman.

Here's handsome playwright Glyn Cannon - his On Blindness debuts in 04 at The Soho Theatre prior to a national tour; Ruggedly good-looking duo Kris Dyer & Dave Marks (niCe mUm); sexy agent Hannah Begbie (PFD); wild-haired and handsome comedian Simon Farnaby (Ealing Live!). singer-songwriter Carly Sheen; delightful comedian Justin Edwards aka depraved children's entertainer Jeremy Lion and member of The Consultants; aimiable (Andrew) Hugh Jones & naughty Ciaran Murtagh aka The Black Sheep and blasphemous stars - with the divine Maggie Gordon-Walker and other fine actors - of Holy Days.

Stuffed


Here's lovely fashion guru Carolyn Clewer; film maker Chin Okoronko; pretty Susan Turnbull (Comedy Lounge); suave Nick Tanner (The Hollow Men); former Fat Bloke Productions leader Andrew Collier; A small stuffed (certainly by the end of the party) Monkey dressed as a Christmas fairy; glorious stand-up Natalie Haynes; singer/songwriter Keith Thompson; sexy Nick Swift, star of Evil Disco.

Wank me off, Mrs Scrimshaw


Here's sexy TV producer Natalie Ralston; that pair of gifted smooth operators and deal-makers Alex Kirk & Simon Messingham (Karushi); lovely Helena Hewett - producer of Edinburgh 03 acts for Off The Kerb including Rich Hall, Jeff Green, Adam Hills and Jo Brand; gifted illustrator Jenny Samuels; and pretty Jakki Moore. and Perrier Award nominee fabulous stand-up and animator, hunky Howard Read, creator of the legendary hymn to assisted North-Country onanism 'Wank Me Off, Mrs Scrimshaw'.

END

John Park / Monday 15 December 03 / Glass House Stores

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