FRINGE REPORT

Reviewing fringe theatre, film, art and performance in London and internationally credits venues | awards | interviews | features | fashion | newsletter | recipes | news | gossip | home | about | dublin | edinburgh | links | contact | drinks Monday 2 June 08 Search Fringe Report DUBLIN ... Colman Higgins describes the scope and history of Dublin Gay Theatre Festival ... and reviews two of its shows ... Down Dangerous Passes Road ... Confessions of A Mormon Boy /// LONDON ... film on now ... La Question Humaine / Heartbeat Detector /// BRIGHTON ... It's on till 26 May and here's at least 20 Things you might want to know about Brighton Fringe /// PEOPLE ... Who was there at Fringe Report's First Monday 5 May - photographs & article /// CULTURE ... One Culture ... film screening 30 May booking now ... details CRYSTAL CLEAN Edinburgh Fringe 7 - 29 August 2005 (and see Edinburgh 05 - The People!) Crystal Clean, Fringe Bunny, reports from the coal-face of gossip... email me at crystal.clean@fringereport.com Wednesday 31 August 05. Oh no! Crystal waves bye-bye to Edinburgh 2005! Snide asides and a broken nose at the Perrier. The Big Man steps down - Christopher Richardson hands over to Anthony Alderson. 'I'm a doctor' claims Simon Brodkin to unbelieving bouncers. Good sports Justin Edwards and Jason Manford cheer Laura Solon. Fizz, fizz, fizz - that fizzy water award has had absolutely everyone in a tizz. The Perrier party took a different format this year, being as akin to a terrible office party as possible. It was in an office-style building on Holyrood Road - with a mere four protesters outside this year (to boycott the award, since Perrier is Nestlé). We were herded into the VIP enclosure with lots of 'champagne' and popcorn - and left to wait the agonising half-hour to the ceremony. Tension was high as Paul Merton read out the winners. Best Newcomer went to crazy-haired Tim Minchin and the crowd went wild. Minchin’s act is comedy song - and the comedy song has been out of vogue for so long. Then the Perrier Main Award was announced as Laura Solon - only the second female to win in the 25 year history of the award. Solon, 26, a newcomer herself, was close to speechless as she accepted the award and the room erupted. Laura Solon was discovered by TV company Brown Eyed Boy in November 04 performing at a sketch night. She originally teamed up with another comic. The other performer decided not to do the show - and Solon wrote her solo sketch show in just a month. She had hoped for a newcomer nomination - but was overwhelmed to receive the big one! I searched about to see the reactions from other nominees on announcement - and saw lovely Justin Edwards clapping heartily, and fellow newcomer Jason Manford whooping loudly. Chris Addison slipped out almost immediately once the award had been presented. The winners were whisked away, and Tim Minchin was overheard by your Crystal being rather snide to Solon during the following press conference. Word has it that he thinks the awards were the wrong way around. Certainly the first time I’ve ever heard a Perrier Newcomer Winner sounding bitter about winning! Arthur Smith was offered a Lifetime Achievement Award. He gracefully declined due to lack of interest - though I’m not sure whether the lack came from the public or from the gravely-voiced lovely himself! The evening culminated in people dancing around in a frenzy. So much so, that one young lady was carted away from the dance floor with a broken nose - having been elbowed in the madness that ensued. Simon Brodkin aka Lee Nelson was on the scene immediately - revealing, to everyone’s surprise, that he is actually a qualified doctor. That's the problem with being a comedian. Everyone thought he was joking - and the security staff wouldn’t let him near. The girl in question was last seen with a hankie moistened with Perrier water held to her nose - on her way to hospital. The Pleasance was handed over from Sir Christopher Richardson to Anthony Alderson in a small ceremony in Brookes at midnight on Monday. It was a very informal affair, with free booze on the pool table, and all of the friendly faces you would expect - including the great Timothy West. Sir Christopher made a short speech: 'I was going to sing you I Did It My Way. But I can’t sing - so I have to hand over and say Do It Thy Way.' At which he handed over his Have A Pleasance Day badge, his tie and his famous panama hat. Anthony replied 'I thank you for everything you have given me, you are a true, true gentleman and a true mentor.' And as we all got bleary-eyed, Christopher boomed in his no-nonsense school-master's voice, 'It’s time I fucked orf frankly - so let's have a drink before I cry.' As the Crystal eye turned away to stifle a tear, I noticed something rather apt. Sir Christopher’s oldest rival (but also, I suspect, his pal) Karen Koren, head of the Gilded Balloon, was hopping up and down outside the bar. She was demanding to be let in - Scots fury flying from her mouth - only to be turned away by security. Newly-coronated Anthony Alderson must be quaking in his boots. Hell hath no fury like a Koren scorned! Now the windy city has been reclaimed by the locals. Rent prices have quartered, venues been dismantled - and millions of fliers recycled. Which only leaves me to find some other people to terrorise. Until next year my pretties! I have been your Crystal Clean. email me at crystal.clean@fringereport.com *** *** *** Saturday 27 August 05. Crystal can't dance with Steve Coogan. Stewart Lee plays The Fall. Crystal spies Jade Goody, Ricky Gervais, Russell Brand. Flying with stuttering Jaik Campbell. Hurrah! As the end of the fest draws near (sniff), party time has descended upon the Fringe - and everyone’s out dancing like everybody’s looking. The brilliant So You Think You’re Funny party at Gilded Balloon Teviot went off fabulously. With free vodka and gin flowing, it wasn’t long before the dance floor was flooded with beautiful dancing bods - though some of these performers are simply not blessed with the dance moves. Most exciting was a surprise appearance by Steve Coogan. He's in the windy city for the TV festival - though he resisted my efforts to get him on the dance floor. The ever alternative Stewart Lee took to the decks and DJ’d at the Café Royal for the night. Playing only records by The Fall, it was certainly an acquired taste - appreciated vehemently by few but hardy fans. As it was in the main bar, regular non-festival punters were non-plussed to find hard-core fans Simon Munnery, Robin Ince and Matthew Perret dancing like mad things while they quaffed their usual Thursday night pint. None of this Aidan Quinn malarkey, Stewart Lee is the true Legend of The Fall! Livers everywhere are now crying out for mercy - and thoughts are turning to the trip home. But for one Fringe performer, this could be more dangerous than expected. I was discussing the arduous task of packing with stuttering comedian Jaik Campbell - though it’s more the extra shopping I’ve accidentally fallen on that pains me. Jaik told me he was worrying about how he’d fit everything into his bag to get on the plane: 'My bag’s so full already. I don’t know how I’ll fit in my new bomb – bomb – bomb – bomber jacket.' Anyone getting on his flight be warned: you may be delayed if Jaik Campbell opens his mouth. Celeb Spotting Corner today is devoted to a truly unlikely patron of the Arts - Miss Jade Goody. Spotted in the Club Bar at the Assembly Rooms, Jade Goody was seen desperately trying to talk to Ricky Gervais who’d popped up to see mates and shows. The talently-challenged Jade was possibly trying to get into one of Gervais’s shows - perhaps as an Extra. Unable to secure a chat with Gervais, Jade found fellow Big Brother veteran Russell Brand to play with. The pair were last seen skipping from the bar all pally-pally. Could this be the start of something beautiful? Rumour about the Perrier is rife. It’s impossible to move for people debating it, and bookies are getting a record number of bets placed. It has been quiet around the usual haunts for the last few nights. Comedians and their mates have mostly been hiding at home in depressed stupors. So tension surrounding tonight’s final is running extremely high. There’s no obvious winner coming through - the place is likely to erupt on announcement. I will, of course, keep you informed! email me at crystal.clean@fringereport.com *** *** *** Wednesday 24 August 05. Perrier shortlist announced. Crystal witnesses Jokers v Stenhousemuir FC - or are they? A different kind of limp wrist at C. And what Reginald D Hunter asked Crystal to do. The Perrier Comedy Awards shortlist has been announced, to widespread surprise (details). Up for the main award are familiar faces Chris Addison (Atomicity), Dutch Elm Conservatoire (Conspiracy), Justin Edwards as Jeremy Lion (What's The Time, Mr Lion), and surprise newcomers Jason Manford (Urban Legend) for his fascinating show about urban myths, and the achingly funny Laura Solon for her solo character sketch show Kopfrapers Syndrome. This is an astounding list considering the great and established talents like Lucy Porter, Phil Nichol, and Alan Carr, who are all names which have been bandied about in rumours about the shortlist. Jason Manford and Laura Solon's names have been rumoured for the Newcomer award, but both have quite incredibly, but deservedly, skipped straight to the main award. Perrier Best Newcomer nominees are Charlie Pickering (Betterman), the expected and deserving Tim Minchin (Darkside), Toulson and Harvey for their Day Today-esque double act, and two lovely and hilarious welsh boys Mark Watson (50 Years Before Death) and Rhod Gilbert (1984). More to come after the fabulous party on Saturday, my pretties. In bi-annual tradition, a motley crew of comics gathered outside the Pleasance Courtyard on Sunday. They hopped aboard a deeply glamorous coach and drove into the back of beyond to play Stenhousemuir FC in a friendly game of soccer. The Jokers team included Omid Djalili, Danny Bhoy, John Oliver, Andy Zaltzman, Andy Parsons, Steve Oram - and captain Jason Byrne. Stenhousemuir scored in the first five minutes. Andy Zaltzman followed with an inspirational goal - sadly disallowed because it was off-side. 'We were robbed,' Said Zaltzman, 'It was clearly on-side.' In the 17th minute, a fabulous goal from Omid Dajlili made the Jokers respectable. Doubtlessly, Omid Dajlili was Man of the Match. At half time, Jason Byrne said 'The comedians are fantastic, they’re not holding their shape together at all. Yellow puts us off, everybody in this team is allergic to yellow, and the other team are wearing yellow on purpose. The other team are all so unfit they should be wearing bras, but they’re still beating us.' Oooh! The final score was 7-1 to (you guessed it) Stenhousemuir. It's an improvement on the last match, which the Jokers lost by 9-1. Byrne: 'We started scaring them in the second half, we started getting it together.' But it wasn’t enough to save them. Nevertheless, they were chuffed with their noble battle and they hoped back onto the coach - only to be told that they had actually not just played Stenhousemuir. Jason Byrne: 'It wasn’t even their reserve team. It was their mates!' Oh dear! Ever with an ear to the ground, I discovered Reg D Hunter back in town - only an hour after his arrival. I heard that he was headlining C Electric Cabaret. But the box office staff had not. In fact, they couldn’t tell me a single person on the bill 15 mins before the doors opened. Consequentially, there were at best 20 people in the large room. 'This is what happens when you don’t book your own gigs,' Reg told me later. He turned a dying gig into something intimate and quite magical by sitting us all on stage in a semi-circle around him - and doing a touchingly sincere half-hour of material. After which we shared a cab to Late 'n' Live where, as usual, he brought the house down. Untouchably cool, Reg asked me if I wanted to 'roll with him'. I don’t know what that involves - but his honest material and belyingly modest nature are an absolute breath of fresh air. C Venues also seem to have some security issues. One punter was dismayed to have his bag pinched from under his seat during a show. But not nearly so dismayed as a gang of editorial staff (not ours) at C Chambers Street recently. All ranks have closed - all parties have avoided comment - so I can only bring you this alleged story from my trusty mole: Rumour has it that the security staff at C have been more than a little over-zealous. On a fun evening out, some of a festival paper’s editorial team went to C for a drink. Some trouble started. All of the group were ejected from the building so enthusiastically that one of them had his wrist broken. Police were called and charges are being pressed. No limp-wristedness at C - they’re all big men, don’t you know! Good luck to all Perrier nominees! email me at crystal.clean@fringereport.com *** *** *** Saturday, 20 August 05. Shock! Jamie Theakston gropes Crystal’s bottom. Gasp! Edinburgh puritan halts mid-gig Coward smokers. Language! London Underground expletives – will George and Paul sue the singing doctors? Rumour has it that by next festival, smoking will be banned in Edinburgh - though how any comedian or actor will cope with this remains to be seen. Yellow-jacketed Environmental Officers are already prowling the streets, fining people for dropping cigarette butts. The one place you’d think you might be safe to smoke was in your own show - in line with health and safety checks. But sell-out sketch show Cowards found differently. During a sketch, Tom Basden lit up a prop ciggie as usual and puffed away - only to be stopped by an irate man in the front row, who demanded he put the offending gasper out, or he’d leave. Non-plussed, the boys put it out and carried on with dignity. They were met by rapturous applause by the close of the show, even from the anti-smoker. But a new warning to add to those found on packets might be – ‘Smoking Kills Sketches’. A lovely, heart-warming story - with swearing - follows: If you haven’t yet been sent a link to the famous London Underground song which has been floating round most people’s inboxes for months, go to www.amateurtransplants.com before you read this. You won’t regret it. Amateur Transplants are two qualified doctors - gynaecologist Adam Kay, and anaesthetist Suman Biswas – who (for student rag week last year) vented their anger at London Underground by rewriting the Paul Weller song with aggressive lyrics. Within a matter of weeks, the song had been downloaded – current total over 4 million times - by every disenchanted Londoner and visitor. With lines like ‘Don’t tell me to mind the gap, I want my fucking money back’, it captured hearts and humour. An Edinburgh venue actually asked them to come and perform - unheard of, unless you’re Ross Noble. So they're on a week’s annual leave. They've never done a public gig till now. They’re at Medina, performing twice a day to a sell-out crowd. And loving every minute - not least because every penny goes to Macmillan Cancer Relief. Paul Weller has been in touch with their promoters - and has a copy of their CD. As has George Michael, regarding their song Careless Surgeon (‘I feel so unsure. As I cut you up, I wonder what that nerve’s for’). The boys aren’t worried: ‘It would be a little churlish of them if either decided to sue a charity.’ The ultimate get-out clause! Crystal thought she’d nobly do her bit for charity by persuading celebs to pop along and support the boys. So I leapt at the chance to chat to Jamie Theakston about them, as he was up visiting friends. Crystal - ever polite - went and shook Jamie Theakston’s hand and introduced myself. The only problem was that he seemed unwilling to give the hand back. So there I stood, my hand in his, while Leap of Filth’s Dirty Fan Male was plugging his show to Theakston. The show, which is a series of genuine letters to porn stars, seemed to appeal, ‘Sounds right up my street’ Theakston winked at me. I extracted my hand at this, unsure of the meaning, at which point his hand - finding itself unoccupied - went straight round my waist. Ok, we’re all chums here I thought. So I started to tell him all about Amateur Transplants, what a great charity and show it would be to endorse - when the hand seemed to lose its way somewhat, and took up residence on the Crystal arse. What a cheek! email me at crystal.clean@fringereport.com *** *** *** Wednesday 17 August. Crystal breaks nail undressing Brendon Burns. Mark Watson breaks comedy record. Doesn't like Marc Blake. Song greets Timothy West. Ruder song greets Steven Berkoff. Alan Carr sings CC Blooms. Blind Darts Match - Blind Chris McCausland v Sighted Tim Vine. Steven K Amos snogs blacked-up Phil Nichol Mark Watson completes his ambitious feat, 2005 minutes of uninterrupted stand-up. It’s a year-a-minute, from Jesus Christ to today. Mark’s record-breaking show finishes in tremendous style after 33 hours and 41 minutes. He gets a 10-minute standing ovation. Mark Watson lives with another comedian - who he really does not like. Marc Blake has been rude to Watson during the festival - all the more galling as Marc Blake’s show is called Manners. Watson sends out his conspirators, to sit in the front row of Blake’s show. They arrive late, and disrupt him in any obnoxious way possible. All of which is filmed by Alex Horne, edited live on stage, and shown as a montage. Lots of celebrities visit Watson’s 2005-minute epic. Watson says ‘For one night of the festival, the comedy hierarchy is turned on its head’. Daniel Kitson texts that he won’t call Mark live on stage - it ‘looks too needy.’ Timothy West visits, greeted by a tribute sung by the audience. Steven Berkoff gets the same welcome, but won’t come on stage. The audience sings ‘Steven Berkoff, Unhelpful, Uncooperative, Steven Berkoff.’ Loud Aussie comic Brendon Burns challenges all the comedians in the room to a Trivial Pursuit Ashes. He loses spectacularly, and pays the penalty by dousing his trousers in lighter fluid. And setting fire to them. He’s left in little tight pants. Brendon Burns - in new trousers- finds an audience member snoozing in the front row with his mouth open. Burns straddles the boy’s face, unleashes his particulars - and dips them into the lad’s mouth! I join 13 others to storm Brendon Burns’s show to commemorate the French Revolution. We douse him in water and jeer, and think it quite French and Revolutionary to strip him. But I break my nail on his belt. Some would say - too enthusiastic? Alan Carr tells me he and Brendon Burns are living together. They call each other Poofy and Shouty, and compete for Gay Points. Baking scores 100 points. Every home-made ingredient scores an extra 50 points. Shagging a man is 1,000 points. Burns is romping ahead. He bakes like a demon. And snogged a boy in the kitchen - ‘I just did it to shut him up, he was talking too much.’ Carr’s not doing well, ‘I think I’ll be on minus points by the end of the festival.’ Alan Carr has been up to antics down at CC Blooms’ (Topping & Butch tell me it’s ‘the gay flesh parade’ - sounds like fun!) Taking to the stage with Gary Reich of Brown Eyed Boy, they pulled off what Alan Carr describes as a faultless rendition of Islands in the Stream. Carr and Reich were so taken by the reaction that they did one encore, and another. By the time they had sung the same song four times, the reaction may have lacked its original lustre. It’s not going to win you any Gay Points, Alan! Spank! this week saw Phil Nichol dressed as Billy Holiday singing a Queen medley. He was blacked-up in boot polish with boobs to rival Dolly! He stormed, only to close with gorgeous Steven K Amos removing him from the stage by snogging the pants off him. Nichol’s show Almost Gay is inspired by a fight he once had with Scott Capurro. Scott accused Phil of being homophobic. Unlikely. Nichol tells me ‘Steven’s snog was a nine out of ten - but only because we were in public.’ I see the Blind Darts Match! Sighted Tim Vine, blindfolded, challenges blind comedian Chris McClausand. It’s umpired by the man who plays the large pink dancing hippo in Tim’s show. He wears plastic armour, and taps the darts-board with a plastic battle-axe to guide the sightless by sound. When I leave the score is one game to Vine. email me at crystal.clean@fringereport.com *** *** *** Saturday 13 August 05. Andrew Lawrence is Spanked by a punter and heckled by Steve Hughes. Boy: I Drank Omid Djalili's Urine. Ticking bag bombs Brian Mallon for a Burton (and it's not a panto crocodile). Tim Vine and Chris McClausand in blind darts-match. Rory Bremner's Edinburgh Castle theory. All from Crystal. Spank! We love it! Since the slight demise of Late’n’Live, Spank! is the place to be of a night to see comedians fighting. Last week scary comic Andrew Lawrence seemed to be losing the crowd - in his terrifying stream of consciousness about killing his own mother. A punter heckled 'Get Off'. Lawrence - not built for fighting - replied 'You want a fight about it?' Not a wise move. The punter - a heavy-boned chap - wove his way calmly to the stage, picked the diminutive comic up and threw him to the ground. Hosts James Wren and Leon Fleury broke things up. Lawrence told security, 'Well I did ask to fight him, so don’t throw him out.' Though shaken, he soldiered on. This week he took to the stage - we all presumed, a little wiser and more cynical - to do 12 minutes. Sadly the audience reacted with the same air of unrest. As did the other acts. 40 minutes into his 12-minute slot - after a good 10 minutes of mumbled Get Offs rippling around the room - a loud Aussie voice said 'Get off the stage you bleeper!' Lawrence retorted, 'Who do you think you are?' It was Steve Hughes - the next act. He'd been waiting to go on for 3 hours. He’d managed to find himself on the outside of 12 pints - and in no mood for nonsense. 'Get off the bleeping stage you bleeping bleep. You may want close a set at 3am. But I don't. Bleeping get off.' A Lawrence continued - till embarrassed Leon Fleury took the mic and led him away. Hughes: 'He was being a stupid bleeper. But he carried on. I respect him for that.' Young Pleasance members - at their tender ages - should be out experiencing new things. They should catch the festival spirit. Perhaps get pissed for the first time. A cast member of Bus! The Musical may have misinterpreted this. Omid Djalili shares the kids' dressing-room. Poor Omid found himself caught short just before he was due on for his act. Dispensing with niceties - like a great many comedians before him - the comic had no choice but to pee in a bottle. Omid Djalili went on, relieved. He forgot he'd left his offering lying about. A thirsty teenager from Bus! later drank a bottle of abandoned apple juice he found in the dressing room. Getting pissed is one thing but that's not what you want from your first wee dram! Latecomer to the fringe Playing Burton has bombed. Well, ok, not the show itself, just one performance. Star of the solo show Brian Mallon was a mere 6 minutes into his performance when he noticed unrest in the audience. Oh no, he thought, I've lost them. A woman in the front row jumped to her feet. 'I'm sorry,' she cried, 'I've got to stop the show. That suitcase is ticking.' A seemingly unclaimed bag ticked. Staff bravely moved it away. Mallon picked up where he'd left off. According to Brian Mallon this is nothing new. 'When I opened in Manhattan,' he said. 'Well, I never quite opened. It was the night of the blackout.' He's also lost all the fliers for the show. A Pleasance staff member tripped down the stairs carrying a box, sending the fliers everywhere. The boy was rushed to hospital. A kind by-stander helped to clear up by throwing all the fliers in the bin! Jinx! The blind leading the blind. Crystal has heard that Tim Vine has challenged comedian Chris McClausand - who is blind - to a darts match. Vine has agreed to play blindfolded. It takes place tomorrow at an unconfirmed location. My general advice for the day? Duck! Celeb Spotting Corner. Lovely Rory Bremner seen with hands stuffed full of fliers in Pleasance Courtyard. Rory tells me he believes Edinburgh Castle to be built on fliers! Vanessa Feltz has appeared as the celebrity guest in Immaculate. Crystal didn’t manage to track her down, and is still desperately seeking Quinn. So if you spot any famous rascals - or hear of some hush hush horseplay - remember Crystal is your friend. email me at crystal.clean@fringereport.com *** *** *** Wednesday 10 August 05 - Crystal on Christopher Richardson's thespian debut with Karen Koren, Art Malik's journalist-shy daughter, The Goodies' & The Trap's trike and Richard & Judy, Gordon Strachan ... Crystal’s got you an exclusive! Karen Koren and Sir Christopher Richardson are to make their acting debut together in Ewen MacIntosh (The Office, California Dreaming)'s The Witching Hour Late Night Ghost Stories, in which two different guests join Ewan every night to tell spooky, scary ghost tales. Asked if she was looking forward to treading the boards with her rival, Koren said 'He'll probably just shout at me as usual.' Male sketch trio The Trap use the ET image of cycling past the moon but with the three boys, Jeremy Limb, Dan Mersh and Paul Litchfield on a trandem in their publicity. The three-seater push-bike is the one that belonged to The Goodies. They bought it on the internet for £600 after Jeremy Limb dreamt the image from ET with The Trap on a trandem. Little did they hope it would be a bike so accustomed to the limelight. It is a lot for a prop, so they were delighted when the bike started bringing in its own revenue. Richard and Judy asked The Goodies onto their show. But of course they no longer had the famous 3-seater. So they had no choice but to hire it back off The Trap for the day in the studio. Art Malik has been very slippery to track down, even in his leather pork-pie hat – crazy hats are allowed if you’re famous. He’s been in town supporting his daughter Jessica Malik who is co-producing two shows, Guardians and the fantastic Angry Young Man. Due to some bad press in the past, she's totally unwilling to speak to any journalists. And gets her dad to come and speak to the press for her. Not quite true, as he barely said a word! I did manage to collar him alone, but he was only willing to talk about Jessica. Art Malik said 'She's been surrounded by actors and directors all her life. I never encouraged her into the arts or entertainment industry, she's very willful.' Let’s hope she’s never willful enough to follow her father's taste in fashion. Gordon Strachan has been prowling the fringe. Clearly I have no idea who he is because, well, I’m a girl. But finally it is Crystal the celebs are seeking rather than the other way around! I was happily sitting in the Pleasance Courtyard, eyes peeled for Rory Bremner - who I’d heard was skulking about - when this big Glaswegian loped over. He pointed to the press pass round my neck. 'Look,' he growled, 'You're Press. Help me get a ticket for Brendon Burns. He's sold out, and the wife and I are desperate to see him.' I was so terrified I helped him get in touch with Burns' PR, thinking he must be either mad or famous. When offering thanks he softened a little and said 'Not many people expect to see me at an arts festival, but I love it.' He’s such a regular here on the fringe he’s even quoted on Alun Cochrane’s poster alongside the press quotes. email me at crystal.clean@fringereport.com *** *** *** Monday 8 August 05 - Crystal likes The Pleasance Launch, has a birthday with Michael Topping, hears about Babooshka's stolen knickers, Tim Minchin, Brendon Burns, Mikey the Pikey, Tom Hanks, David Strassman and... Crystal is back on the fringe, not the fringes of the fringe but right there in the thick bits where the roots show. And what a week it’s been, with launch parties coming out of my ears, my senses have been assaulted with vodka and drumming, all before 11am, surely equivalent to 6am fringe time! It was very sweet watching all the journos at the first, and best, launch at the Pleasance, all craning their necks during the show to wave to their mates and pull faces, akin to assembly on the first day of term. Better still is the number of them who are willing to down a vodka jelly at that time in the morning! As I’m sure you know I’ve had a wee birthday, but a lady never tells her age, which is why I have no idea how old Michael Topping of Topping and Butch is, but we share the same birthday. But enough of this navel gazing, on with showing up the shows! Those poor girlies from sell-out show Babooshka keep getting their posh pants pinched. The 5-strong female cast are sponsored by luxury lingerie company Coco De Mer and were given ample supplies of undies by their sponsors to feature on stage in the show, but their precious bras and knickers are being nicked. True though it may be that one of the cast has a topless scene every day – and it could be any one of them, a veritable breast lottery – there are now more breasts than bras in the cast and now a pant-swapping regime has been enforced by writer and performer Kiki Kendrick - as there simply aren’t enough undercrackers to go round! So if anyone finds this impish pant thief, tell them to stop the pinching, or we may all end up seeing more boosh than was intended in Babooshka. Tim Minchin has also been causing waves at the fringe - or should I say convulsions? The wild-haired comedian does a hilarious turn on the pianoforte involving a lovely song about Tourette's Syndrome. What Tim didn’t know was that lovely Noel Faulkner who has Tourette's himself was in the audience and on hearing the song began to Shake, Rattle and Noel. Brendon Burns has been up to mischief again as his alter ego Burnsy. Half an hour into his show, a gentlemen in the audience wanted to duck out to the loo. Burnsy was less than happy about this interruption to his show, so rather than letting the poor chap go, he decided to take his whole audience to the Gents too. Having let the persecuted audience member actually pee, he proceeded to finish his show from an impromptu venue – the sinks. This really is in the spirit of things, it wouldn’t be the Fringe without a comic performing in the lav. After all, you so much as open a window up here and it becomes a new venue. Talking classy – like, spare a thought for Mikey the Pikey, the star of the new musical of that name. The lad playing Mikey has been wandering all over town dressed up as a chav to promote his show, Burberry’d up to the nines. So after a hard day’s slog all he really wanted to do was relax over a quiet pint at Brooke's, only to be refused entry based on his attire, then removed from the building. It’s all class up at Brooke's, don’t you know? Tom Hanks has been flitting up and down in between shooting the Da Vinci Code and was spotted laughing raucously in David Strassman’s show. Strassman himself has the whiff of scandal about him having been reported as hunting for young ladies on the fringe. The recently-divorced ventriloquist is prowling the Pleasance in search of young prey – not extraordinary behaviour if you spend all day with your hand up a doll’s arse, I suppose, but still it may be wise to lock up you daughters - and their dollies! Hack Shame Corner this week is dedicated to Three Weeks reviewer Richard Johnstone for his review of Bad Play 3 - which is back by popular demand. This spoof show is a parody of the worst student-type theatre, involving more important 'issues' than you can shake a stick at. Sadly this reviewer seems to have grasped a totally different stick, and took the show as comedy with a serious message, raising awareness of global warming in a comedic play. He says, 'There are some nice bits of satire, but unfortunately, most are masked by a plot that doesn’t really make sense.' Nonetheless he gave the show two stars, lamenting that this 'laudable theme' gets lost in the plot! Celeb Spotting Corner this week can only promise you things to come. The Exonerated, which starts on 9th, is dragging the celebs to Reekie in their droves. Already confirmed are Hollywood actors Aidan Quinn and Robert Carradine who will be appearing on yet unconfirmed nights. And the lovely comedienne Caroline Reid aka Pam Ann has been jetted off to the south of France this weekend on Sir Elton John’s private jet to perform at a party for Sir Elton and David Furnish, lets hope she brings a few pals back with her! And remember - if you have any information you'd like to tell me - I am the very sole of digression. Crystal xx. email me at crystal.clean@fringereport.com END Nostalgic? Crystal's 2004 column is here (c) Crystal Clean 2005 Fringe Report (c) Fringe Report 2002-2008